May 21st, 2024.
Today I finally got my diploma. I feel like I should be much happier than I actually am. I look around at all the people around me– they’re all smiling and dancing and laughing. But when I stepped in front of my family with all their “congratulations” and “I’m so proud of you,” I felt proud, but not as much as I think I should’ve been. Is there something wrong with me? Am I depressed? Maybe I’ll go to a therapist sometime.
I’ve been feeling this way for a long time. I thought it was normal, that I was just aloof, but now it feels like something’s really wrong. My friends have called me distant. I don’t really know what they mean by that– I feel like I’ve tried to be close to them, but they seem put off by me. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong and no one is really telling me. I’m afraid to ask. Will they not like me anymore if I come off more like a weirdo?
I want to ignore it. I wish it would just go away on its own.
June 14th, 2024.
I’ve been setting up appointments with a psychologist for a while now. It’s been three weeks and they haven’t been helping that much. They’ve suggested I get on meds, but with the dosage I have right now, it’s been a nightmare. I feel like they’ve just been putting it on me to get more money out of me. But maybe I’m just being paranoid.
The side effects are terrible. I feel tired every day and I don’t know if they’ll actually work for me. They tell you that if one doesn’t work, then we’ll just find something new, but I don’t know if I want to go through this for too long. Mom isn’t opposed to it; she says it's probably for the best and when I’m better, I can get off them.
I don’t feel like she understands what it’s like. I don’t want to be a lab monkey getting pumped full of random drugs for God knows how long.
I spent more time with Rin the other day. When I leave the house, I wanna bring that cat with me. Honestly, he’s the only one who understands me around here. At least he looks at me when I talk to him. But I think he knows what I mean deep inside– his eyes are intelligent. Maybe I’m just crazy, but I know he understands me when I speak to him.
July 14th, 2024.
Last month has been fucking miserable. Get off one, get on another. Get off one, get on another. I don’t know what to do anymore. And everyone is gone.
I don’t feel like writing too much anymore. I’m just going to lay in bed and pet Rin all day.
July 16th, 2024.
I went in again yesterday. I want to punch my psychiatrist in the face, the way he looks at me like a disappointment. He told me something weird. They have a procedure for people like me. Apparently it has a much higher rate of working than other meds.
I doubt it’ll do anything. Nothing’s worked yet, so what’s this gonna do?
I need a drink.
July 17th, 2024.
I’m a little nervous about this procedure now. They mailed a bunch of consent forms to my house. Mom didn’t seem upset by it. It weirded me out. She seemed excited about it, and I haven’t felt her push me to do something like this before. She felt like I needed it, which… may or may not be true at this point.
I had to check a bunch of boxes and sign a lot of stuff. Some of the possible side effects made my gut churn, but Mom reassured me that they were extremely rare. “It’s like getting a wisdom tooth pulled. A lot of bad things can happen, but they usually never do.”
Honestly, I don’t really get that analogy much.
July 24th, 2024.
My head’s beenso fuzzy all week. It’s hard for me to remember exacly what happened when I went in last week. But they said th procedure was a success.
I’mjust trying to lie down for now. My head is kiling me.
July 27th, 2024
I woke up this morning feeling different. I can’t really describe it in detail, but I think the colors around me got a lot brighter. Everything just feels more vivid, but not overwhelming. This is the first time in a while that I’ve seen the sun shine like this! I feel like I’ve gotten a lot more energy than I usually had too! I went for a run this morning just to get some of it out of my system!
For the first time in forever, there’s hope. When I go back next week, I’m going to thank them for this!
July 29th, 2024
My friends have been telling me that I look much happier. They still look at me a little weird, but that’s okay. It’ll take them a while to get used to the new me. I completely understand.
Rin has been feeling a little more sluggish lately. Her stomach’s getting a little bigger. I should probably tell Mom to stop feeding her so much. Either way, I’ve been having a lot more fun with her these past few days!
Mom told me something funny. She didn’t tell me that she got this procedure done on her a while ago. I don’t know why she didn’t tell me. Maybe she wanted to make me less nervous or something.
It doesn’t really matter anyway.
August 1st, 2024
Rin is sick. We took her to the vet the other day and she was diagnosed with FIP.
She is going to die.
I don’t understand.
She was fine just a few weeks ago.
But it's okay.
She’ll have a good life.
August 2nd, 2024
I don’t frown anymore. I don’t think I can even stop smiling anymore. Honestly, I’ve felt bad for so long that I think it’s better this way. I think I look more pretty like this now.
My friends don’t talk to me much anymore. They look at me like a zombie.
But it’s okay.
Friends don’t last forever.
I’ll find better ones soon.
September 5th, 2024
Sorry I don’t write in this anymore! I’ve been having so much fun on theo utside! I have a new job now! They say theylove my attitude! They love people like me!
My life has been nothing butgreat. I’ve been changed for the better. I always tell myself that.
Maybe I can helpothers like me.
September 11th, 2024.
Rin’s gone.
But it’s fine.
It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine
September 17th, 2024
I needed to take alittle break from lifefor a bit. It’s always good to relieve stress. I looked in the mirror this morning. I was crying but I was smiling. I miss Rin. I miss my kitty. But I don’t feel sad. I want to feel sad. Pleaseletmefeelsad.
I want it to be fine.
But it will be okay.
October 20th, 2024
Iwant everyone else to feel happy. Like me. They shouldall know whatit’s like. No vices. Nosadness. The sunshine is wonderful.
The colors are bright.
Love.
Wheover reads this, feedRinplease.